Sh t Happens
by Jelp
Summary: Sometimes, sh-t just needs to happen for other sh-t to come out. Rated T for language and inappropriate humor.


WARNINGS: Language, toilet humor, and slight spoilers for Naruto Shippuuden Chapters 344-351 and the Konoha Sport's Festival short.

This oneshot was written to help me with writer's block for my stories. It helped too. I got some writing done on Mine and three oneshots that I have in progress after finishing this up. Sadly, I didn't work on Identity Crisis, but the talented Starlight Devil made me a really cool fanart at http:// starlightdevil. deviantart. com/ art/ Naruto-Identity-Crisis-75808065 for Identity Crises. Check it out, and thanks Starlight Devil! (who also goes by Jave-Chan.)

**Shit Happens**

When the clock reads 4:34, and you have to be up at 5:00 for a mission, it's only fate screwing around with your mind if you manage to fall asleep. I snicker at myself, realizing that I probably sound more like Neji used to with a thought like that.

I throw the covers off of myself, realizing that I'm not going to get any sleep before my alarm wakes me up for the mission. Placing my bare feet down on my floor, nice and heated due to the apartment's style of heated floors to generate warmth, I gingerly stand up, feeling the annoyance of that irritable feeling in my stomach that has been keeping me awake.

It's not painful, not overly so, but it is enough of an annoyance to have kept me awake since trying to fall asleep however many hours ago it was. There's hardly any light coming in my apartment from the streetlamps down below, and even the sun is still sleeping somewhere beyond the horizon.

I snicker at myself again, feeling somehow poetic and loopy due to my lack of sleep. I yawn and stretch widely as I enter my bathroom, hastily throwing a hand over my eyes as I flip on the light switch, allowing my blue eyes to adjust. Glancing at the mirror, I see that I look as sleep deprived as I feel, but don't hesitate long on my appearance as I easily undo my pajama pants and let them slide to the floor as I sit down on the toilet. I don't even have to bother to put the seat down because this is my third trip to the bathroom tonight trying to take a dump, and I haven't had to pee since before I went to bed. However, I have had to shit since three days ago, and so far, I've been unsuccessful.

Damned constipation.

I grumble to myself, wondering what the heck has gotten my so stuffed up. I usually get diarrhea rather than constipated, and as I sit on the throne, I wonder how funny it would be if I were to fall asleep right now, and wake-up hours later, dashing to meet up with Kakashi to give him my excuse. He probably couldn't come up with a more absurd excuse than falling asleep on the toilet because constipation kept him up all night, but the only difference would be that my excuse was real. I sigh. I wouldn't want to be late for _this_ mission though. It's too important.

As I sit there and grunt slightly, trying to push out what hasn't been coming for the past three days, I can't help but feel that killing someone wouldn't be so hard if you just made them either constipated or have diarrhea for two weeks. They'd be so miserable they wouldn't be able to do much of anything, and might even welcome death as relief. I grunt again as nothing comes out, and I know I need to stop pushing or I'll tear myself again. That's just a bit embarrassing. The last time I got constipated – about two or years ago while with Jirayia – I had pushed so hard that the large chunk of crap actually tore my ass crack. Not fun. But what am I supposed to concentrate on while sitting here to keep my mind off pushing?

There's got to be some sort of way to pass the time - and pass whatever's not coming out of me. It's frustrating because I know this will distract me on my mission tomorrow - or, rather, this morning. I'm a little disoriented because it has felt like one long day. I hardly slept the night before due to the same problem, and today it had only gotten worse.

I should have grabbed something to get rid of this, some kind of laxative or something, but I thought going to the bathroom too much was more of an annoyance than not going at all, and I really didn't want to change taking a laxative and then having my entire insides drained from my body for who knew how long.

Having diarrhea was a pain. For instance, when I was first assigned to be on a team with Sakura and Sasuke, having the runs that day sucked real bad. It completely ruined my chances with Sakura - and even ruined my changes of ruining Sasuke's chances with Sakura (though I think he actually ended up saying something to hurt her anyway.) Another instance where I remembered having the runs was during the Konoha Sports Festival.(1) That had been nothing short of a nightmare. Though it had sort of made me want to run faster and perform better during the Konoha Sports Festival.

Still, obviously that hadn't been pleasant. So what if we had won at the end? It was at the cost of me not being able to go to the bathroom throughout the entire event and shitting myself in front of everyone at the end. That was a bit embarrassing. I wince now in memory of what had finally been the last straw to me being able to hold it all in. I would have made it, really I was sure I would have held it longer, but Sasuke had been trying to hand me the baton during our team run off and, well, we were running, and he wasn't paying attention, and then next that I know - _WHAM!_ - baton shoved _up_ **my** _ass_.

Bastard. I should do that to him sometime. See how he likes it. Though it would probably backfire on me somehow. Whatever I might try to shove up his ass probably wouldn't fit because he seems like he already has something permanently shoved up his ass, the prick.

I sigh, thinking of my teammates - since I didn't bring anything else to do while I wait for my body to shove out my ramen waste - and realized how nice having teammates has been.

Teammates. That's a loose term. I have several who I would consider teammates. Kakashi, Sakura, Sasuke, and I even count Sai and Yamato now, even though they haven't been "teammates" as long and are more like "fill-ins." Still, now that Sai isn't such an asshole, and now that Yamato hasn't been quite as scary, I find myself liking their company.

Still, thinking about teammates makes me think about Sasuke, who I still consider a teammate even though he hasn't come back to Konoha yet. I know he will though. I know he has too. And the news that I got from Tsunade-Baa-Chan today made me feel even more secure in that mindset.

Tsunade-Baa-Chan told me that Sasuke killed Orochimaru, so I know that he's not all gone in his mind. I thought for sure that he would really let that snake bastard take over his body. That's just wrong, on so many different levels. Orochimaru always struck me as a pedophile or something, and everyone knows that Sasuke's a pretty boy, so I kinda feel bad for him. I bet Sasuke killed Orochimaru because he tried to molest Sasuke or something. I snicker at that thought. I'm sure Sasuke wouldn't like that much, though sometimes I wonder if Sasuke was even supposed to have a penis; he looks so girly and pretty.

I chuckle to myself, betting he has a small penis. I hope Sai will make a comment like that to Sasuke instead of saying shit like that to me. Then again, I can see Sasuke getting pretty pissed off at a comment like that, especially since Sasuke blew up his entire room the last time that he and Sai met. Sasuke is such a girl, needing his beauty sleep and all.

_Plop._

My eyes widen slightly as I realize thinking about Sasuke had eased my body enough that I finally came unclogged. That's just a tad embarrassing that Sasuke loosened my body. I bunch up some toilet paper and wipe my ass, sighing, finally feeling my stomach unclench. I pull up my pants up and then stretch, yawning, wishing I had gotten more sleep. As I wash my hands, I look at myself in the mirror, thinking back over the past few years.

Somehow, I think I've felt tired since Sasuke left. I felt somehow more weighted down without him around. I smirk to myself, and rub the back of my head sheepishly. There are times like this when I wonder if he even remembers me. I frown as I think that yes, yes Sasuke did seem to remember me upon our last meeting, but the fact that he had seemed like he wanted to kill me again hadn't sat too well with me. At the time I had been so upset that he had wanted to kill me, so upset that he seemed so emotionless.

Had I been delusional to think that I could change Sasuke? Was I too egotistical to think that I could change him? He had seemed so uncaring upon seeing me again. I was worth nothing to him, completely unimportant to him that he wouldn't care if I lived or died.

I was nothing to him.

At least, that's what I had thought until Tsunade had told me that Sasuke had killed Orochimaru. Until I learned that Orochimaru's death had been the first one in Sound at Sasuke's hand. Apparently Sasuke had refused to kill anyone that Orochimaru had told. Sasuke hadn't killed a person aside from Orochimaru in all his years at

Sound.

He killed Orochimaru. He wanted to kill Itachi. He had refused to kill any others, even if they might not have been so innocent. Yet he wanted to kill me too. Somehow, it made me feel important.

I know, I know, I'm crazy. But the fact that I was somehow important enough that Sasuke would take the time to at least contemplate killing me somehow made me feel important. It was something that I read in his body language. He had tried to convey to me that I was unimportant. He had tried to convince me that I meant nothing to him. But above all, he had been trying to convince _himself_.

I smirk at myself in the mirror, and then grin widely.

"I won't let you down," I make a promise to myself in the mirror. I exit my bathroom and prepare for my mission today to go and look for Sasuke with Kakashi, Yamato, Sakura, Sai, Kiba, Hinata, and Shino.

* * *

I awake from my dream, lying staring at the ceiling. I've been constipated for the past three days, but have refused to do anything about it due to the constant presence of the members of my chosen team to find and kill my brother. However, after having that weird dream about Naruto and his constipation, I finally feel that I need to empty my body if its unnecessary contents. I sneak off and relieve myself, contemplating the strange thoughts that I had dreamt of while dreaming I was Naruto.

Was it more than a mere whim that I had decided to want to kill Naruto? I hadn't killed anyone besides Orochimaru since I had been in Sound, and I had never quite thought of it in terms like that. I sigh, and decide not to think about it. At least the dream had served a useful purpose. At least I didn't feel full of shit any more.

* * *

(1) The Konoha Sports Festival is a movie short that you can probably find on YouTube or download from dattebayo.

Hope you guys enjoyed this very random drabble. - Jelp


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